Mixed Salad of Thoughts

Friday, June 02, 2006

Me? or just part of me?

I've never thought of myself as secretive. I have, in fact, been known to say that I have no deep/dark secrets and that I think of myself as able to say ANYTHING about myself....And yet, in reading other blogs I have come to realize that I'm not comfortable just putting myself out there like other people are. I don't reveal everything about me, and I certainly don't put out information that would invite others to track me down and meet me. I don't reveal what I eat for breakfast, or where I work, where you can find me on Monday nights, or detail the minutiae of my life on my blogs. I don't think these are necessarily secrets, but they aren't things that I want everyone from strangers in the blogosphere to my mother to read and be able to refer back to for all eternity. Perhaps part of this is that I feel that this would be very boring reading, but the greater part of it is the limit to which I want others to have access to me when I don't have access to them. It's a one way intimacy when one puts oneself "out there" and I would miss the other half.

So then, why do I blog at all?

For the very reason that I'm now thinking of...no, right now...as I type :) I blog because in writing things I verbalize in a way that helps me come to a solid and focused thought or idea in a way I could not do in my head. So when I want to discuss an issue, or decide what exactly my stance or opinion is on it, I write. And if I'm going to write, it helps me to have the feeling that I am having a conversation, that I'm conveying my idea to another or others. So blogging makes sense.

But back to the whole secrets and openness conversation we were having...

The reason that I realized that I may be less open than others is not JUST from reading other blogs, but from conversations I've had with two people over the past few months--in both of them I was accused of "not answering questions". I don't think this is something I had ever really been accused of...at least not directly. As far as I knew, I was very good at being straightforward and answering most anything anyone asked me. I have been called "blunt" and "frank" so many times that I generally TRY to think over answers and restrain myself from saying exactly what is on my mind more than I succeed at it.

So when am I "not answering"?

I've tried narrowing it down. I think there are a few circumstances in which I will not answer:

#1-I believe the questioner has a particular answer they "want" and I am not willing to give it to them...I think of these as a trap and know that there is no way to answer that will make me happy and/or them happy.

#2-I know the answer would embarrass me or the questioner or hurt feelings (please note: I'm hard to embarrass so it's more likely to be the other way around)

#3-I don't know the "right" or any answer. (i.e. "What can I do to make you trust me again?" when I'm not sure I can or "why do/don't you feel this way?" when I can't figure it out myself and making something up is likely to lead to #2)

I think these are probably good places for me to NOT talk, as I'm more likely to cause problems than make things better by talking, and yet I feel less than honest for not being able to respond.

I wonder how other people react, and if it's more or less honest?

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