It is right there, outside the window, A slight breeze ruffles its yellow leaves; I should water it; I should pull up the weeds growing in clumps around it; I should care. I watered it for two years, Sleepless nights, hours of tears, It lived; It did not thrive, But not for lack of care. Some days I walk to the front window, I pull down the blinds and look at it. Some days I feel a stirring of concern; Some days I think about watering it; Some days I do. Today, like most days I only think of concern. I do not feel. I do not put on my shoes. I do not open the door. I do not even look out the window. That life I was building, That career, That body of work, That reason for being, Is not forgotten, It is withered. I have tried to define it. Malaise. Lethargy. Apathy. Depression. Laziness. Boredom. I have tried to give reasons. The wrong choice. Too hard. Too much criticism. Bad luck. I just wasn't good enough. It wasn't the right fit. I'm just in a bad spot. I'm just depressed. I just need to start moving. I just need to do SOMETHING. I worry that I cannot worry, that the tasks and stress I carried for so long now are absent. That drive and work ethic that found me waking at 4:30AM is long gone. I wake late and lay in bed with plans that fall short and plans that overwhelm. I try to care. I try to feel. I try to try. It feels like too much; I feel too little. Can one commit suicide through inaction? Can you just stop making choices? Can you just stop deciding? Can you just wither away like a plant unwatered? Can time speed on and wander away while I remain a part of the past?

Gearing up for NaNoWriMo!!!

NaNoWriMo--National Novel Writing Month has, for the past 10 years, encouraged individuals to allow themselves to insanely undertake the furious writing of novels during the month of November. The goal is to write at least 50K words of your very own, original, never-seen-by-the-world-before novel. It's a fun, exciting, productive, and completely crazy undertaking that hundreds of thousands of people take on each year.

This will be my fifth year taking up the NaNoWriMo challenge. I have "won" the challenge 3 of the past 4 years I've "competed" and am hoping for a 4th Certificate and another year of bragging rights.

The process of trying to write a novel requires for some people absolute isolation, the right soundtrack, or a nervous breakdown....for myself it requires feedback. I need people to bounce ideas off of, chat with and who can gear up my crazy-center just right. I need people who can get excited when I tell them that my fictional main character just punched/kissed/broke-up with/ran away from some other completely fictional character.

Will you help? Will you be one of my team? Will you let me excitedly share my story or exercise my writer's block frustration?

Ideal helpers will be available for chatting by way of phone or gchat. Those who are available late at night when I do most of my writing will be especially appreciated.

Let me know if you'd like to be part of my audience/support/feedback group for this November.

Thank you, thank you, thank you in advance.

~ Valerie