I cry.

Three years ago I had my first "real" run-in with loss--my grandfather died on July 4th. It really hit me hard and to this day I can get teary-eyed thinking about him.

Three and a half weeks ago on July 1st my father unexpectantly died of a heart attack. A week ago on July 20th my grandmother passed.

I won't tell you about all the feelings I've gone through. I can't. The words don't exist. As I felt things I occasionally wanted the comfort of naming them and realized I couldn't--some things are too big, too deep, too individual for words.

I cry now. Easily. It doesn't take much and it just overwhelms me. Perfectly natural under the circumstances and the majority of the time I'm all right with it. But it is irritating not to be in control. It is annoying to know that I'm one random floating thought away from tears springing to my eyes. Even so I can usually shake it off. I can usually stop any stream of tears or sobbing. But generally only when other people are around--by myself I'm a mess. Without people there are no outside sources of interest or amusement or distraction to keep me from following that random thought down whatever path it takes me down. And often there aren't even thoughts. I don't know why I'm sad, what particular thing I'm sad about--the loss, the loneliness, the grief, or some other mystery sadness that crept up and (in the paraphrased words of one of my favorite novels) "dropped stone loneliness eggs in my heart."

So if I call you up and just want to talk but I have nothing to talk about...perhaps now you'll know why.

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