Graveside humor

I thought about posting something on a lighter note but I'm still pre-occupied with loss, so I thought I'd combine the two and document a few of the things that have made me laugh in the past month.

1--
Two days after my father died my mom was sitting on the couch and her phone rang with what was surely another person wanting to express their condolences. She turned off the ringer and sat and looked at it. It replied with a friendly beep telling her there was a new voice message. She shook her head. "I hate listening to my voicemail...It keeps making me cry."
"Yeah, I'm having the same problem with my phone" I replied. "You Nate?"
He shook his head, "Yep, me too."
"They really should get that fixed."
"Or maybe make it an option...like the 'Airplane Mode'...they could have a 'No Cry Mode' option."

2--
Three weeks later...a few days after my grandmother died my friend Mara called me. She lost her mother earlier in the year after a long fight with pancreatic cancer and apparently lost her grandfather in the previous year as well.
"Hi Mara."
She wasted no time: "You know Valerie, it's not a competition."
I didn't even pause a moment before replying, "Well you know, they say when you learn a new skill you should practice it right away..."

3--
We visited my father's burial place a couple of days after the funeral and saw the scattered flower arrangements that had been left there. We said a few prayers and made a few comments about what we could put there up until October when we could have a gravestone put in. My dad had a degree in Geology and we pondered whether the collection of radioactive rocks in the garage would kill the grass or "disturb his neighbors". Before leaving I left something on the grave--a can of RedBull--one of a flat Dad had bought at Sam's Club and often drank. "Hey Dad, enjoy...you know 'RedBull gives you wings!'"

4--
The funeral procession for my Dad's Funeral was 80 cars long. We had a motorcycle cop ride along to stop traffic at intersections but still had to stop for a train, an ambulance, and a firetruck. I pondered that although Dad would hate driving this slow "he sure would like running all these reds and probably would love holding up this much traffic as well"

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Planning

So I've spent the last couple of days visiting cemetaries and funeral homes and my new 3 person family (my mom, my brother and I) are working on all the arrangements with an assorted army of people providing food and support from outside.

I really disliked the lady at the cemetary who kept "selling wrong" and driving me crazy by repeatedly telling us they were the cheapest around (value FIRST lady, then raise price AFTER the customer brings it up). She also kept throwing out the names of people on headstones and telling us how they died and acting as if we might recognize them because of their story ("Oh now, he was 19, he died last year in a car accident...He was in the back seat drinking and having a good time with his friends"). Weird!

The lady at the Funeral Home was amazing though: consumate professional. Brought up every item we might consider buying and why we might want it and how it is normally done. Listened thoughtfully as we explained how a Baha'i Burial and Funeral is "normally" done and asked appropriate questions. Simply told us our estimated expenses so far and noted that "You can keep that in mind if you like when looking at caskets."

Shopping for caskets and vaults (the concrete or metal box that surrounds the casket in the ground) was interesting. We ended up choosing a simple but elegant casket in Pecan (a lovely wood and my dad did love a good pecan pie). I was really tempted to ask if they used sustainable forestry practices but I was told I shouldn't. My brother and I were talking about asking for Pine as we figured that as Pallbearers it would be a little lighter. (Balsawood might create a bit too much drama if the bottom fell out ;) ) My brother also said Dad would really like the Scarlet and Grey "Brutus" version designed specifically for Ohio State fans.

I'm strongly lobbying for playing the Script Ohio marching band song (an Ohio State Marching Band tradition) when we bring the casket to the grave but Mom thinks it would be silly. I think it would be joyous, and the song always brought a happy tear to Dad's eye (no really!), I think it would be appropriate.

I understand that the Imperial March from Star Wars might be a bit too much, and border on silly, but I really wish we could do this. But it's more my Mom's day than mine.

Anyways, I have paperwork to do and lists to make.


Funeral services will be held at the Schoedinger Worthington Chapel, 6699 North High Street, Worthington, Ohio. Visitation will be from 9:00 - 10:00 a.m. and the service will take place from 10:00 - 11:00 a.m. There will be a procession from the funeral home to the Blendon Central Cemetery on the corner of Dempsey and Spring roads in Westerville. Following the internment a reception (approx. 1:00 p.m.) will be held at the Johnston Homestead at 164 Linabary Avenue, Westerville, Ohio.

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Prayers for the Departed

My cousin Aaron died about a month ago, and my Great Uncle Stu died last night. I haven't had any other friends or family die since July 4th a year ago when my grandfather died. Having two people die in such close proximity to each other has had me saying prayers for death and healing a lot more frequently than usual, and really thinking more about the importance of friends, family, and community.

In Africa I was told by several Baha'is in remote villages that even though they believed in the Baha'i Faith they did not want to become Baha'is and leave their churches because there were not enough other Baha'is close by, and when they died there would be no one to sing at their funerals.

I'm not sure I ever really understood the reasoning behind that until lately.

I've heard so often that the friends and family that bring food after a funeral are really a godsend, because the family is too stricken, stressed, or depressed to think about cooking and eating. And I've recently heard how the Baha'i community opened their homes to allow my family to stay with them in the days before my cousin's funeral. I heard how the Baha'is helped with the funeral and one member sang a song during the services. Even from a distance these things are really touching for me. It fills me with a lot of wistful happiness to know that people who are strangers to me could show such love, hospitality and warmth towards those I love and have loved. It helps me believe that the world is a little less cold and distant than it often feels.

I understand now that to a person in an African village, who sees death far more often than I do, who sees the women dressed in white every week, singing funerary songs, the prospect of dying and having no community available to sing songs at one's funeral and help their family to cope with the loss could be a much bigger deterrent than I had ever imagined.

I won't be able to attend my Uncle Stu's funeral this Wednesday, nor will many of those who loved him... But perhaps I will sing anyways.

O my God! O Thou forgiver of sins, bestower of gifts, dispeller of afflictions!

Verily, I beseech thee to forgive the sins of such as have abandoned the physical garment and have ascended to the spiritual world.

O my Lord! Purify them from trespasses, dispel their sorrows, and change their darkness into light. Cause them to enter the garden of happiness, cleanse them with the most pure water, and grant them to behold Thy splendors on the loftiest mount.

'Abdu'l-Bahá

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