How knowing I'm helpless is a comfort.

Helpless should simply mean "without help" but, like most things, it's not that simple.
My good friends at merriam-webster.com tell me that helpless is:
1: lacking protection or support : defenseless
2 a: marked by an inability to act or react b: not able to be controlled or restrained

I have been talking to a few friends lately about how out of control my life feels lately and the effect that it is having on me.

In case you don't know my roommate just moved out, and although I've been searching through friends and craigslist for a month I have yet to find a new roommate and am faced with either a tremendously high rent that will carve into my savings for July or spend every moment not at work packing up and finding a place to move to (still an incredibly daunting and expensive task.)Or stay for the month of July with the tremendously high rent and STILL have to pay moving expenses.

I just re-did my budget last month based on my new (lower) income (my pay is commission based) and was looking at only having $200 for non-fixed expenses each month, and so any place with higher rent is definitely a bad thing if I want to continue to eat.

In addition, my birthday is tomorrow, the 16th, and it also marks the one year anniversary of the last time I saw my Dad...He passed July 1st, 2008.

Talking to a friend late last month about all the stress in my life she suggested I ask around and find someone to host my birthday for me so that I wouldn't feel it another burden. I asked and immediately someone offered, and I was relieved that I wouldn't have to worry about it. But subsequently her apartment was broken into and then her father took ill and she flew home for a bit. So she just finally called today to say we could still have it this Saturday at her place. I'm not sure I want to even try, since it will mean a lot of work planning it myself, and I really don't know how I'd handle it if it was not a success.

To go along with my housing drama I have my mother's housing drama in that she is planning on moving this summer from the house I grew up in across town to the house she grew up in. This means that at some point I need to go back to Ohio and bring back even more "stuff". It also means that I've talked to my mom a lot about all of the stress she's under in figuring out the moving, trying to find time to deal with two households worth of belongings that need to be sold off and trying to get the best price for the stuff possible. They had an auction yesterday and made less money than they had hoped and the auctioneers did not take away the excess as my Mom had thought they would. When I expressed my disappointment in this (which is really just for the added stress on my mom) my brother got defensive and "virtually" hung up on me.

While discussing my feelings with a friend and saying how much I hated not being able to control all of these things in my life my friend commented on how hard it is to be "helpless". A little light went off in my head. Just like when I was first mourning my father and was in some way comforted when, on occasion, a feeling came up that I had a name for--sad, or angry, or isolated, etc. Somehow knowing that what I really feel is helpless (marked by an inability to act or react) is a comfort.

My dad was a remote control hog. Rarely could we persuade him to watch anything he wasn't interested in watching. As a consequence I grew up watching a lot of Star Trek and Doctor Who and National Geographic specials.

When I got older Dad and I would sometimes go to the movies together. My last visit home with him last year it was fun to go see the new Indiana Jones Movie with him (having enjoyed all the previous movies with him and having once bought him the boxset as a present).

The new Star Trek movie is amazing and exactly the sort of movie Dad loved. I really wish I could watch it or discuss it with him. I know he would have had all sorts of small insights and correlations I didn't notice. I can just picture the smug expression he would have had on his face looking as if the whole thing was his idea.

Miss you Dad!

An amazing Tribute

I just got the following email, forwarded to me from my mother:

Since coming to Maine, Allen and I have learned so much about the housing shortage here. There is a huge need for low income/affordable housing here. I calculated this morning that we have provided low income housing for at least 24 families (not including our own) and one small business, here in Maine. Allen has been researching the market and continues to work diligently in this field. We recently have been given the opportunity to to start a non profit organization for low income housing and we've decided to start it in honor of Dave. Had it not been for Dave's undying patience with me in teaching me how to fix all the little things and big things that we've come across, not to mention his constant telephone support, and love and encouragement that I could do anything, we probably would never have gotten into the real estate arena. We are also so grateful to the two of you for your part in our union as husband and wife.

We are planning on naming this non profit "David Neil Brown Housing". We are in contract already to purchase 75 acres of land in Hallowell Maine. The town of Hallowell is thrilled that we are doing this and is offering 100% financing for the new construction, because it seems, that they have just written a new plan for their town and it included the need to focus on affordable housing.

...

Best wishes and all our love to you,
Connie (and Allen)

Way to make me bawl at work!

I'm so touched and amazed. What an awesome tribute to my Dad!

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Graveside humor

I thought about posting something on a lighter note but I'm still pre-occupied with loss, so I thought I'd combine the two and document a few of the things that have made me laugh in the past month.

1--
Two days after my father died my mom was sitting on the couch and her phone rang with what was surely another person wanting to express their condolences. She turned off the ringer and sat and looked at it. It replied with a friendly beep telling her there was a new voice message. She shook her head. "I hate listening to my voicemail...It keeps making me cry."
"Yeah, I'm having the same problem with my phone" I replied. "You Nate?"
He shook his head, "Yep, me too."
"They really should get that fixed."
"Or maybe make it an option...like the 'Airplane Mode'...they could have a 'No Cry Mode' option."

2--
Three weeks later...a few days after my grandmother died my friend Mara called me. She lost her mother earlier in the year after a long fight with pancreatic cancer and apparently lost her grandfather in the previous year as well.
"Hi Mara."
She wasted no time: "You know Valerie, it's not a competition."
I didn't even pause a moment before replying, "Well you know, they say when you learn a new skill you should practice it right away..."

3--
We visited my father's burial place a couple of days after the funeral and saw the scattered flower arrangements that had been left there. We said a few prayers and made a few comments about what we could put there up until October when we could have a gravestone put in. My dad had a degree in Geology and we pondered whether the collection of radioactive rocks in the garage would kill the grass or "disturb his neighbors". Before leaving I left something on the grave--a can of RedBull--one of a flat Dad had bought at Sam's Club and often drank. "Hey Dad, enjoy...you know 'RedBull gives you wings!'"

4--
The funeral procession for my Dad's Funeral was 80 cars long. We had a motorcycle cop ride along to stop traffic at intersections but still had to stop for a train, an ambulance, and a firetruck. I pondered that although Dad would hate driving this slow "he sure would like running all these reds and probably would love holding up this much traffic as well"

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Planning

So I've spent the last couple of days visiting cemetaries and funeral homes and my new 3 person family (my mom, my brother and I) are working on all the arrangements with an assorted army of people providing food and support from outside.

I really disliked the lady at the cemetary who kept "selling wrong" and driving me crazy by repeatedly telling us they were the cheapest around (value FIRST lady, then raise price AFTER the customer brings it up). She also kept throwing out the names of people on headstones and telling us how they died and acting as if we might recognize them because of their story ("Oh now, he was 19, he died last year in a car accident...He was in the back seat drinking and having a good time with his friends"). Weird!

The lady at the Funeral Home was amazing though: consumate professional. Brought up every item we might consider buying and why we might want it and how it is normally done. Listened thoughtfully as we explained how a Baha'i Burial and Funeral is "normally" done and asked appropriate questions. Simply told us our estimated expenses so far and noted that "You can keep that in mind if you like when looking at caskets."

Shopping for caskets and vaults (the concrete or metal box that surrounds the casket in the ground) was interesting. We ended up choosing a simple but elegant casket in Pecan (a lovely wood and my dad did love a good pecan pie). I was really tempted to ask if they used sustainable forestry practices but I was told I shouldn't. My brother and I were talking about asking for Pine as we figured that as Pallbearers it would be a little lighter. (Balsawood might create a bit too much drama if the bottom fell out ;) ) My brother also said Dad would really like the Scarlet and Grey "Brutus" version designed specifically for Ohio State fans.

I'm strongly lobbying for playing the Script Ohio marching band song (an Ohio State Marching Band tradition) when we bring the casket to the grave but Mom thinks it would be silly. I think it would be joyous, and the song always brought a happy tear to Dad's eye (no really!), I think it would be appropriate.

I understand that the Imperial March from Star Wars might be a bit too much, and border on silly, but I really wish we could do this. But it's more my Mom's day than mine.

Anyways, I have paperwork to do and lists to make.


Funeral services will be held at the Schoedinger Worthington Chapel, 6699 North High Street, Worthington, Ohio. Visitation will be from 9:00 - 10:00 a.m. and the service will take place from 10:00 - 11:00 a.m. There will be a procession from the funeral home to the Blendon Central Cemetery on the corner of Dempsey and Spring roads in Westerville. Following the internment a reception (approx. 1:00 p.m.) will be held at the Johnston Homestead at 164 Linabary Avenue, Westerville, Ohio.

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more quotes

As the Guardian once commented, our World Order is founded on justice, not love. Our governing institutions are Houses of justice, not love.

O GOD, MY GOD! I implore Thee by the blood of Thy true lovers who were so enraptured by Thy sweet utterance that they hastened unto the Pinnacle of Glory, the site of the most glorious martyrdom, and I beseech Thee by the mysteries which lie enshrined-in Thy knowledge and by the pearls that are treasured in the ocean of Thy bounty to grant forgiveness unto me and unto my father and my mother. Of those who show forth mercy, Thou art in truth the Most Merciful. No God is there but Thee, the Ever-Forgiving, the All-Bountiful.

Baha'u'llah