In the bucket.

So my friend Chris recently posted a blog in which she talked about checking off to-do lists and about making lists of things already done. Kind of like a reverse bucket list, but not necessarily of "desired" items as much as major ones/unique items.

I've thought about the things I've done, but would probably never sit down and tell anyone about them without feeling like I was bragging. But considering no one really reads my blog and it has often been a place for me to "store" a thought, it seems as good a place as any to do this.

Done:

1-Spent a month or more in 7 countries (US, Canada, France, Malawi, Botswana, Zimbabwe, S.Africa) also Honduras, but since I was 4 at the time I don't really remember much. Canada is the only one that it wasn't a month continuous but rather several trips.
2-Skydiving (2x)
3-Whitewater Rafting (3x)
4-Hitchhiking
5-Seen Elephants, Lions, Water Buffalo and Rhino in the wild
6-Been held up at gunpoint
7-Learned to ride horses
8-Performed in the Hoosier Dome and the Indianapolis 500 parade
9-Learned to Lindy (at advanced level)
10-Learned to Knit (at advanced level)
11-Driven a standard transmission car... and have even done so on the "wrong side" of the road.
12-a. Slept outside without a tent
b. Slept outside in a tent--even with Baboons outside and other animals on Game
Reserve
13-Confronted a Sun Spider
14-Written a significant portion of 5 novels
15-Learned to weld (Mig & Tig)
16-Owned a small collection of power tools including: chainsaw, angle grinder, circular saw, jigsaw, and belt sander
17-Learned to hulahoop and do tricks
18-Swam in the Atlantic, the Pacific, the Indian Ocean, the Mediterranean Sea, and a glacial lake (along with a slew of other lakes & ponds)
19-Lost someone very close to me
20-Lived long enough to have forgotten things that were once of great importance :)

Yes, I really am an artist.

I had a friend over for a meeting at our apt last night and it was so funny...He looked around at all my sculpture and asked where I got it and seriously would not believe that I made it all. He just kept sputtering "but this is like...It's professional. You could...do you sell this?!"...my answer: "How much money have you got?"

Who me?

Not myself: That's how I've been feeling. I occasionally hear myself say things and think that I've answered out of habit...as if I were playing the role of myself without actually being myself.

Sometimes I feel I know myself pretty well, it's just I'm not always sure what to do with that info. But I've been feeling recently that "knowing" myself and "being" myself are almost contradictory--that as soon as I find a way to voice who I am I either stop wanting to be that or I feel disingenuous in being that. As if saying I'm X makes me, in social situations think I'm supposed to be X and then feel weird about being X simply because I thought I was supposed to fit the X mold.

Perhaps I should just choose some X's I would like to be and, regardless of whether I currently excel at them, should just choose to believe that I AM them. Like "I am humble, loving, generous and kind." ...and GO!

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Side note: I wrote this blog in October but never posted it, and now, having recently read a post on Angelaboration where she was talking about being more herself than she's ever been I read it again and felt like posting. (Some 2.5 months later)

temet nosce "know thyself"

It's interesting to me that as humans we are often tested on certain things over and over again, and other things (often times the things we would consider the most important) are rarely tested. And the odd twist of this is that the skills needed for passing these important tests are often neglected or never learned. We neglect the bits we don't use as often.

So while my abilities to demonstrate patience, kindness, generosity, and understanding might present themselves to me throughout the day over and over again, there are other qualities that I am not called upon to exercise for weeks, months or years at a time.

My grandfather's passing 3 and a half years ago was hard on me. He was the first person I really felt close to that passed. I cried in loss of the amazing man who would be with us no longer.

My father's passing July 1st was devastating, as I believe it is for almost anyone when they lose a parent. I'm torn sometimes now between deciding whether a sudden death like his is better, or the long struggle I've seen several friend's parents go through as they fight disease. Obviously this isn't really something to decide as none of us have a choice, but, having left things in a VERY good place with my Dad I have no...regrets (I almost said complaints, but that sounds absurd.)

My grandmother passed about 3 weeks after my dad and although I knew it was time and again was in a good place I found myself having a much harder time keeping it together at her funeral.

When I returned home from my grandmother's funeral I immediately had a need for family and activity. I called the Poseys. They were my adoptive grandparents here in Chicago. I arranged to meet them for dinner on a Friday, but when Friday came and I called there was no answer. I finally got a call that Mr. Posey had entered the hospital the night before. I went down to the hospital and had dinner with Mr. and Mrs. Posey and talked with them for several hours.

I tried calling Mrs. Posey a week later to hear how Mr. Posey's surgery had gone...she was near tears and said she couldn't talk. I called a mutual friend and asked if they found out anything to let me know. They called a few days later to let me know it was Mesothelioma and the prognosis wasn't good. I didn't hear from the Poseys for over a month. Finally I got a message on my answering machine saying Mr. Posey was home from the hospital if I wanted to visit. I put it off. I couldn't think about it without crying and didn't have the courage to go to visit.

I wept and wept through Mr. Posey's funeral. I couldn't stop myself. It was three funerals in one for me. I had to laugh that the thought that kept going through my head was "at least I'm at a funeral, so it's okay to cry."

Since I came home (to Chicago) in August--having spent most of July in Ohio with family-- I have kept busy. Really busy. I bought a hula hoop. I took African Dance classes. I went out five nights a week or more. I wrote a novel. I made new friends. I went on dates. I'm and extrovert, so I guess this is a reasonable way for me to cope, trying to be around people and new activities as much as possible. And I've read about death and grief and coping, and all of it says, essentially, "whatever you do, however you react is fine and normal".

But as much as I love people I also know myself and know that I'm pretty fiercely independent. I recognize feelings of loneliness in my grief. I recognize my desire to be around people has increased and thus the questioning of my motives.

There is no resolution to this post. I have no final answer. It's just thoughts...poured out on the page.

I have thoughts.

Just a FYI in case anyone wonders why I am MIA...
I have several things I'd like to write about/talk about but not much I want to blog about. It sounds odd, but I thought I would mention I've been writing blog posts and just not posting them because I don't think they are things I want public at this point. I may at some future time reveal them, but am a combination of too chicken and too respectful to post them now.

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Catch-up

Wow, I hadn't really realized how long it had been since I had posted. I should at least add a few points to play catch-up.

1st--I went home for Thanksgiving and spent a week in Westerville. Since my grandmother passed and they are planning on selling the home my mother was raised in (that my grandfather helped build) there was a large gathering for what is likely the last large gathering for quite a while. 26 people came and it was amazing! From August-November I've seen all of my 17 cousins save one. I also got to hang with some of the next generation of cousins which was a real treat.

2nd--While home I finished NaNoWriMo, for my 4th time (5th attempt). I got quite behind over Thanksgiving and had to put in over 5400 words on the 30th. All quite worthwhile although a bit of a letdown as when I finished there was no one around to celebrate with (and I promptly got into a fight with my mother who seems to think the whole thing a waste).

3rd--Holiday Party overload. December was filled to the brim with holiday parties. By the week before Christmas I was up to two or three events each night to choose among.
Lots of fun, but very tiring. Being that I had taken off a significant amount of time for Thanksgiving I stayed in Chicago for the holiday. Christmas Eve was spent at Kingston Mines enjoying blues with a couple of friends and Christmas day I had a nice lunch with Rachael, Jamie, and the Johns and then took in a movie.

2008 was a rough year...I tend to gloss over the past and go, "No, I'm fine, it wasn't that bad," but really...it had too many really bad things to just gloss over, so for once I'm going to just put a hash mark in that other column. So...Yay 2009!

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Dancing

Rich caught a photo of me dancing with Adeoye at Green Dolphin Wednesday. Sure you can't see my face, but I still think it's a great shot!

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We decided/ I decided/ You decided

The "Morning After Pill" was passed by the FDA as an over-the-counter drug this week.

Abortion opponents threatened political retribution, however, and were displeased when President Bush backed the agency’s decision.

“Let there be no mistake about it,” said the Rev. Thomas J. Euteneuer, president of Human Life International, an anti-abortion group based in Virginia. “Today’s decision lies at the feet of President Bush and has created a lasting rift with the Catholic faithful who comprise a large part of his support base.”

I am always a bit torn between feeling that some people are extremists and trying to decide where the line is that determines if my own beliefs are extreme.

While I generally look at the hardcore “right to lifers” and wonder how it is that they can feel capable of making decisions in the lives of thousands of strangers they’ve never met. Although I believe in life beginning at conception, I have never been in the situation and hope to never be in the situation of having an unplanned pregnancy. I do not even guess at the immensity of that position and the consequences it entails. I would not ever choose to make a decision for someone else regarding the propriety of their decision one way or another. I consequently think of myself as someone who can hold a set of beliefs and values and standards for myself without feeling that I am judging others by those standards, much less forcing them to adhere to them. Just like in the matter of gay marriage and abortion, I feel there is a HUGE difference between disagreeing with a belief or a choice and creating a LAW to prohibit others from exercising that choice.


Then I progress on to the thought of government interference in our lives and think with some distaste of the thoughts of a certain friend of mine who believes government has no right to pull the “in the public’s best interest” card in ANY circumstance-- be it road construction, smoking bans, environmental regulations, or public health crisis and believes that supply and demand, public support/action, and individual choice will make these things work themselves out without government interference. I feel strongly that government SHOULD be involved in things that promote the health and safety of the public, the environment, and the individuals within the population it looks after. I am FOR seatbelt and helmet laws, gun control, environmental accountability, and drug control. No matter how much they may hinder an individual, I put the public well-being above that and believe that many times people will make bad decisions when it comes to money, power, and pleasure and that by making those decisions harder or impossible to make we are protecting people from themselves and paths that will make them a burden on others.

So what’s the difference between these two? How can I say that I am NOT expecting to live by my beliefs and standards and then say (in essence) “EXCEPT for”…wearing your seatbelt/helmet, using drugs, buying guns, when you intend to pollute, or otherwise put yourself or others in what I consider to be a bad position? aren't I just "creating a LAW to prohibit others from exercising that choice."

hmm...

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Cognitive Dissonance Part II

Cognitive Dissonance...the more, now that it's later:

I've been thinking over this theory because it not only makes so much sense to me, but it explains certain things that I think about a lot.

To begin with, I feel I need to explain a bit about what I think, and how I think...

I've always been able to do exceptionally well on aptitude and intelligence tests, to cram for exams and to know and remember a multitude of facts that most people would forget completely, but am often at a loss to remember what I ate for lunch or the names of good friends when trying to recall them. Information and trivia get stuck in my mind while things that I cannot categorize do not. I am in no way trying to assert my intellectual superiority over anyone here, I've actually always felt that this has just been "given" to me, and I've never had to work at it and have felt really weird about that. I never thought it was fair that I could remember things and perform well in things so easily while other people were truly working HARD and diligently and following the rules, as I slacked and accomplished the same results. Even though I was on the easier side of the equation, it always made me feel bad for not working harder.

But this is where the "HOW" of my thinking comes into play, and also where Cognitive Dissonance has a role in that play.

I've believed for quite some time now that the reason I do better than others in a large number of things does not have anything to do with how HARD I work, but rather with my ability to creatively solve problems so that the work is not as hard. I used to say that I learned all the paths in my college campus by which had the fewest stairs, which had the shortest path, where all the pop machines and bathrooms were and which had the most time spent indoors as a means of being "lazy"....Hold on, hold on, we're not to the Cognitive Dissonance part yet...My point is that I analyzed all the options to find the option that provided the best or most enjoyable experience. If it was cold out, I spent more time indoors, if I was carrying a project I avoided stairs, and so on.

I've said it before: I analyze everything. I just do. I don't know why. If it's part of my life, I analyze it. Whether it's the best papertowel for the money, or what career I should choose, I've analyzed it. And in doing so, I believe I've come up with better answers. Maybe not better for others, but better for me. This analysis extends to include my beliefs. What I believe and how that relates to what I DO is part of my "regular maintenance" thinking-->Hence all the previous "ranting" posts on feminism, vegetarianism and my religion.

So the ideas and theories behind cognitive dissonance hold that we try to come up with new encompassing theories or beliefs when we hold two opposing beliefs to be true at the same time and are unable to hold them without some internal conflict or some resolution. It seems to me as if everything I have come to believe has come about through this struggle, and the balancing acts and resolutions that ensue.

I believe that this process has been part of what has built the creative problem solving skills that allows me to acquire knowledge and education so much more easily and efficiently than other people do. I think the average person finds a straight path in their mind between a starting point and the destination point and my mind instead balances out all the information surrounding each point and determines the best, or most interesting, or most efficient, or most inclusive path of all of them in order to reach the destination point. I think this ability to connect sometimes seemingly unrelated things allows me to creatively solve problems better than the next guy and remember details that otherwise are lost in most people's minds.

I've read that the synapses (sp?)in our mind act as the points along the path that allows a thought to be processed and that as we age the paths that are unused are (and I'm using a bit of poetic license here) "overgrown" and lost. I've also read that older people who do puzzles, riddles, and games help keep their minds active and creatively thinking are less likely to experience dementia and some of the effects of memory loss. These games and puzzles are the sort of activity that a creative problem solver enjoys as the key is usually thinking in a "different or unexpected" way to come up with a non-obvious solution. Those with less ability and desire to think creatively would likely enjoy less and be less able to solve puzzles and games. It makes me think that those who question and analyze their lives and go through the struggles of cognitive dissonance are more likely to develop stronger, more adept and agile minds.

It's interesting to me that the people who don't struggle, who are accepting and unquestioningly resolute in their beliefs are in some way KEEPING themselves from expanding their minds from being able to see other side/situation/solutions. And yet, for the most part, they probably consider themselves happier than the Questioner.

So today I am thankful for my struggles and my doubts, for my questions and my self-evaluation, because with their help I'll probably be able to be out-and-about while others are trying to remember where they left their dentures.

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But is it FAIR?

I don't know how many times in my life I will have to run into seemingly different personal obstacles and then later realize they fall under the same category of Justice & Fairness, but it seems to be never ending.

I analyze everything.

That seemed to need to be a paragraph all on its own... It is that important to understand, if one is to understand me.

I analyze everything and I believe that a good deal of my success in life is because of it. I believe that the reason I am good at art, the reason I'm a quick learner, the reason I can solve problems better than the next guy, and the reason I am so good in sales is because I am good at analyzing.

I analyze my personal habits, my emotions, my plans, my surroundings, my reactions, and just about anything that I can.

Other people don't analyze as much as I do....It's hard for me to realize this all the time, but I know it to be true. And I've even tried analyzing whether this is a good thing or a bad thing; I haven't come to a definitive answer, but what I have decided is that:

a. People who don't analyze are much easier to brainwash (and often seem much happier because of it).
b. One should not try to explain how one came to the outcome of analysis to people who don't analyze.
c. It is better to NOT tell people (especially one's boss, professor, or mother) about the shortcomings you've discovered in yourself through self-analysis and are currently working on.

Keeping these three things in mind is important for me, and yet I seem to slip up ALL the time.

Now a smart person doesn't point out their difficulties and shortcomings to their boss.

I'm highly intelligent....I make no claims to being smart.

I know you are not supposed to talk about your job on blogs, but again...I make no claims to being smart. I'll JUST say that I slipped up on point "c" this week and not only had (what I thought was going to be just a discussion) a massive debate with my boss, but a seriously catastrophic collision wherein my boss now believes that I "purposefully" give bad service to certain customers-- simply because I've analyzed my techniques enough to recognize that my feelings (about certain issues in the company that I think are not fair) effect my sales ability and tried discussing the issue itself and its resulting effect. He now feels it necessary to tell me that if I can't give fair, equal, and identical service to ALL customers then I can no longer work for the company....ouch!


I let him know that I always give fair service, but I NEVER give identical service because EACH customer is different and receives their own individualized service. I feel that I am fair, and I try my best to be equal, and I am working to not to let my feelings effect me, but often it requires a conscious effort to overcome unconscious reactions.

No one else would probably even recognize their unconscious reactions, much less try to discuss ethical issues with their boss.

[rainman voice] "Def...def...definitely not that smart, definitely not that smart [/rainman voice]Perhaps I should go back to analyzing "safe" things-- like how to get people to jump out of a plane.

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Jumping for Joy!

So...I'm letting it out: I'm turning 30! I know, I know, it's a shock and a suprise to me too. But I'm looking forward to it....actually I'm looking forward to the day after it; I'm looking forward to the 17th of June.

On June 17th, I'm planning on going skydiving. I've invited my friends, and their friends, and my family, and anyone else who would like to go to join me for the day to come down to Ottawa Illinois (just west of Chicago) and either go sky diving, or spend the day picnicing/horseback riding/canoeing, or hanging around while I go through training and go on my first jump. There's also the option of camping for the night, or staying in the bunk houses.

Let me know if you'd like to come!

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Survey

TELL ME ABOUT YOURSELF - The Survey
Name:	Valerie
Birthday:	June 16th
Birthplace:	Columbus Ohio
Current Location:	Chicago Illinois
Eye Color:	gray
Hair Color:	blonde (Feria #94)
Height:	5'5"
Right Handed or Left Handed:	right
Your Heritage:	all the really white people
The Shoes You Wore Today:	crappy black work shoes
Your Weakness:	chocolate
Your Fears:	needles...at least those attached to syringes
Your Perfect Pizza:	Adriatico's w/ lots of cheese & veggies
Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year:	Get a better paying job
Your Most Overused Phrase On an instant messenger:	;)
Thoughts First Waking Up:	push button...make stop
Your Best Physical Feature:	my appendix
Your Bedtime:	late...or later. Usually between midnight & 5AM
Your Most Missed Memory:	I don't remember.
Pepsi or Coke:	Dr. Pepper...although I've been breaking the addiction for years
MacDonalds or Burger King:	which one is destroying rainforests quicker? We'll have the answer after THIS...
Single or Group Dates:	dates?...huh?...oh, yeah just the two of us, I hate having to impress EVERYONE
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea:	no thanks, Earl Grey if you've got it, with plenty of cream & sugar
Chocolate or Vanilla:	yes please
Cappuccino or Coffee:	none for me
Do you Smoke:	nope
Do you Swear:	is Mom around?
Do you Sing:	horribly, but mostly in the car
Do you Shower Daily:	is a day between sunrise & sunset or between getting out of bed and leaving the house?
Have you Been in Love:	who are you again?
Do you want to go to College:	sure....right after I pay off my first college loan.
Do you want to get Married:	definitely, just maybe not to you.
Do you belive in yourself:	probably too much
Do you get Motion Sickness:	not usually
Do you think you are Attractive:	I kiss mirrors
Are you a Health Freak:	no
Do you get along with your Parents:	most of the time
Do you like Thunderstorms:	love them...unless I'm driving or walking
Do you play an Instrument:	does using your body as an instrument count?
In the past month have you Drank Alcohol:	no
In the past month have you Smoked:	no
In the past month have you been on Drugs:	no
In the past month have you gone on a Date:	...hmmm...no
In the past month have you gone to a Mall:	outside malls only...and just because I work in one
In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreos:	no
In the past month have you eaten Sushi:	no
In the past month have you been on Stage:	no
In the past month have you been Dumped:	no
In the past month have you gone Skinny Dipping:	no
In the past month have you Stolen Anything:	not that I'm aware of
Ever been Drunk:	no
Ever been called a Tease:	yes
Ever been Beaten up:	no
Ever Shoplifted:	no
How do you want to Die:	with a full stomach and an empty bladder
What do you want to be when you Grow Up:	young
What country would you most like to Visit:	I want to go back to S. Africa	CREATE YOUR OWN! - or - GET PAID TO TAKE SURVEYS!